These problems aren’t original to me (they’re included in a new book, The Very British Problems) but I can certainly vouch for their accuracy.
Although, living in the USA has started to rub off on me and I find I don’t have all of them anymore…
30 British Problems
1. Not quite catching someone’s name, meaning you can never speak to them again.
2. Realising you’ve entered the wrong shop, and having to pretend to look around for a bit.
3. Being incapable of placing your items on a counter in a shop without saying, “Just these, please.”
4. Going in a pub to use the loo and pretending to look for a friend all the way to the toilet.
5. Worrying you’ll be suspected a thief if exiting a shop without making a purchase.
6. Saying you’re pleased with your haircut despite the deep inner sadness it’s causing you.
7. Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave.
8. The shock of tasting Earl Grey when you expected otherwise.
9. Attempting to deal with a queue-jumper by staring fiercely at the back of their head.
10. Resigning yourself to an unusual and arduous train route, rather than risk sharing your commute with a colleague.
11. Writing a terribly modest CV, for fear of appearing boastful.
12. Being unable to eat crisps at your desk without worrying your mouth sounds like a building site.
13. Never wanting to use an exclamation mark, yet worrying you’ll come across as miserable without one.
14. Hoping your friend finishes their story so you don’t have to miss your bus stop.
15. Panicking in a sandwich shop and allowing a distressingly odd combination of fillings to happen.
16. Allowing your bladder to explode rather than wake a fellow plane passenger.
17. Nodding silently when your barber asks, “Is that alright?” even when it isn’t.
18. Not being able to say “great” without sounding sarcastic.
19. Not wanting to use an emoticon yet worrying you’ll come across as sarcastic without one.
20. Receiving an email ending in “regards,” and wondering what you’ve done to cause so much anger.
21. Asking to sample an ale, disliking it, and ordering a whole pint so as not to further waste the barman’s time.
22. Seeing someone you know walking just ahead of you, so stopping dead in the street until they’re completely out of sight.
23. Losing faith in your delivery halfway through a joke, so just explaining what the punch line was going to be and why.
24. Nearly washing the skin off your hands so as not to pressure using the dryer.
25. Pretending to look at things you don’t even want in the supermarket when someone else is browsing the food you do.
26. Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it.
27. Noticing a small patch of blue sky and immediately purchasing 24 cases of Pimm’s.
28. Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed “cheers,” “ta,” and “nice one.”
29. Shutting yourself in the wardrobe until the window cleaner has finished and left.
30. Assuring your hairdresser the water temperature is fine, despite a strong suspicion your scalp is beginning to melt.
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